| So much time I've wasted and I'd never thought it'd come to this... |
[Aug. 11th, 2008|12:07 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Couch | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  awake | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Afterlife-A7X | ] |
[Unknown LJ tag]
There comes a point in everyone’s life when suddenly everything falls into place. One moment it’s magazine cutouts strewn over a dirty coffee table. The next it’s a beautifully organized representation of aspirations and loves. But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that, no matter how beautiful the cutouts are when they are in a collage, they’re only held there by Scotch tape. And who knows when you might have to pick up the pieces and tape them back up? Sometimes, you lose one you were really fond of. Other times they rip or the cat barfs on them. Sometimes they just fall off the wall and you don’t have the time or energy to put them back up. Sometimes you want nothing more than to put it back up, and then you realize the collage is much better without it. Suddenly everything fell into place.
I was really happy. I was 17 years old and I had him. I was his and he was mine. At least I think he was. I’m not sure he was ever really mine and mine alone. I think he was like the well thumbed paperbacks you keep in the break room. Everyone has read it and spilled their coffee and chilidogs on it but there is no name in indelible ink on the inside cover so when it come time to trade out the books, everyone wants that one and they scrabble and break nails and waste post its on deciding who brought it from home. In the end, it is just the forlorn book all alone on the plywood shelf covered in orange juice. I understand that feeling. It made me sad but I think he liked it.
It was perfect. It was terrible. I had it all and had no idea the all I had wasn’t even close to what I wanted. I had the boy, and the hateful in-laws. The supportive parents and the neglectful friends. I had the dreams and no drive. Faith and the wrong religion. The brains and beauty but never in a traditional sense. I’m proud to say I’ve never been accused of being traditional. I’m not proud of what I had let myself become.
I was a shell. A breathing creature with a beating heart and a functioning brain (in the loosest sense of the term). I was alive but I was not living. If I was it was not for the reasons we are supposed to live. Not living to learn or love or even to procreate. I was living to be his other half. And it destroyed my whole. I was a half a person. But even worse than that, I wasn’t even my own half a person. I was his half a person. I see now that was because he needed something at least semi-intelligent to get him by. And by keeping my half, he knew I wouldn’t leave. It’s hard to get by with only one lung half the allotted chambers and aortas and no liver. Not to mention messy. But since he had my half, I couldn’t be my whole. And it shredded whatever was left of MY half and I was wholly holy his. And at 18 years old I had the diamond to prove it.
But my half wasn’t enough. Apparently he needed the half of at least one other woman. Frankly, I didn’t know how many halves he needed to find himself suddenly whole. But after a couple months of trying to tape him back on the wall, I gave up, let him fall, let the cat barf on him, let him rip. Then I grabbed the tape and stuck my halves back together.
Scotch tape can be surprisingly strong. But I think it knows when things really need to be taped and when things need a little cat barf to put life in perspective. I had fallen and ripped in half. The cat added insult to injury as only felines can do. But then Scotch tape deemed me worthy of its restorative powers. He just got barfed on and is waiting for me to clean it up and tape him back together. But I’m finishing my collage and I don’t think I have any tape to spare. Huh. Sorry. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|04:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the dining room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Avril Lavinge | ] |
Title: Crimson and Red, Chapter 3
Author: AG
Pairing: M. Shadows/OFC
Rating:PG (this chapter)
Disclaimer: Don't know, don't own, never happened. Based loosely on the Black Dagger Brotherhood series by J.D. Ward with elements from Legacy of Kain.
Summary: Kill or be killed. When a redeemed traitor vampire gets involved with her prey, what is she to do? [Better than it sounds. Deal.]
( Have you ever cried so hard? Have you ever cried so hard? ) |
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| Crimson and Red |
[Oct. 3rd, 2007|12:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The dining room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Atreyu, in my head.... | ] |
Title: Crimson and Red, Chapter 2
Author: AG
Pairing: M. Shadows/OFC
Rating:PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't know, don't own, never happened. Based loosely on the Black Dagger Brotherhood series by J.R. Ward.
Summary: Kill or be killed. When a redeemed traitor vampire gets involved with her prey, what is she to do? [Better than it sounds. Deal.]
( Have you ever cried so hard? Baby, you just died. ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 20th, 2006|04:14 pm] |
Title: Crimson and Red, Chapter 1
Author: AG
Pairing: M. Shadows/OFC
Rating:PG (this chapter)
Disclaimer: Don't know, don't own, never happened. Based loosely on the Black Dagger Brotherhood series by J.D. Ward with elements from Legacy of Kain.
Summary: Kill or be killed. When a redeemed traitor vampire gets involved with her prey, what is she to do? [Better than it sounds. Deal.]
( Who's sleeping on my side of the bed tonight? ) |
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